For the last few days, I’ve been watching a spider build a pretty enormous cobweb in our garden, just outside the back door.  The cobweb runs between a large potted plant over to the garage.

The spider is rather chunky and has multi coloured legs and body.  I really don’t like spiders but have watched impressively from a far, as it built a masterpiece of cobwebby art.

The other morning, I went to peg out some washing - wet clothes in one hand and a handful of pegs in another.  Silly me, I forgot all about the cobweb.  In one quick stride I destroyed the cobweb!  As I did so, it felt like walking into candy floss and it sounded like electricity running around my face, as my head ploughed through the middle of the cobweb.  At this point I remembered that chunky spider.  It was then that I started screaming and went to flick the spider out from my hair or face, or wherever it had landed.  As I did so, I swiftly moved the hand that was holding the pegs, up to my face and ended up punching my face – this was shortly followed with a lump of my forehead!  I simultaneously stomped up and down on the ground, as I shouted out, ‘urggh, urggh, where is it?’

The spider couldn’t be seen anywhere!  However, there on the floor, lay my beautiful designer Armani glasses.   Smashed lenses and mangled frames!

I’m pleased to know that the optician thought it was very funny!

Are satnav systems that clever?

Tomorrow I’m off to Merthyr Tydfil.  I have to be there for 9am!!  On checking the online navigation system, the AA tells me, it will take 2hrs and 23 minutes.  However, my super dooper sat nav system, it tells me it'll only take me 1hr 50. 

Both systems give me the same route!

Does my satnav system know I’ll drive a little faster than the average, or is there something wrong with one of the systems?

When it comes to setting my alarm when I go to bed in 10 minutes time, which one should I trust?  Oh, decisions decisions!

At the weekend we booked a holiday in France for the 3^rd week of this month. 

On Monday I realised my passport had expired last month! 

Can you imagine the major panic in our household the moment the penny dropped!  Hubby was amazing and simply said, ‘I asked you 3 weeks ago if your passport was ok’.  This was followed by a shake of his head, as he walked out the door to go to work! 

I’ve a very busy week this week - several appointments across the regions, an application form to complete for my own job (internal restructure) and a list of ‘things to do’ as long as the M6 motorway!  So time is very pretty short this week.  At 9am yesterday morning, I was waiting for the doors of the post office to open.  Once unlocked, I ran it, grabbed a passport renewal form and shouted to the Postmaster if I needed to get my photograph countersigned again.  He looked at my old passport and said, ‘oh, you’ve not changed that much, you might just get away with it’ ‘Fantastic’ I said, no need to have to drive to Birmingham to get a friend of mine to sign the photograph. 

The photography shop, next door to the post office is closed on a Wednesday!  Typical!  I therefore I had to get a passport photo from elsewhere!  Damn.  Although I did run back to the car feeling rather smug, safe in the knowledge that 10 years haven’t taken a major toll on my face – ok, that is, apart from the emergence of a double chin and chubbier cheeks – they must help me keep a youthful appearance!    

I then did my very best Lewis Hamilton impression and drove to the supermarket within break neck speed.   I continued my new training programme, by running across the car park, skidded to the check out, bought a packet of polos (in order to get change for the photo machine) and the shop assistant took me to where the booth was.  I jumped in, quickly combed my hair, put some lipstick on and then composed myself in order not to look like a terrorist for the photo that will remain on my passport for the next 10 year period. 

Forty-five seconds later the photos popped out of the machine!!  Amazing that it’s so quick.  But, it just doesn’t feel the same as it did when you used to use the one in Woolies all those years ago - you and 6 of your best friends crammed into a photo booth, preparing for 4 different images and then having to wait half an hour, whilst arguing over who would have the best ones and who would get none at all.   

And so, images in hand, I Lewis Hamiltoned back to the post office car park, sat in the car and filled out the form, ran back in and queued to see the Postmaster for the second time that morning.   

Disaster stuck – he wouldn’t accept the photo!  Did I look too much like a terrorist!?  Obviously – my fringe was too long and ‘it’s not acceptable – YOU will be rejected’ he said!  Well, I know how that feels I thought. 

I was now beginning to worry about time – I was supposed to be at home beavering away with all the things that needed to be done for work!  ‘Would you like some scissors and a mirror?’ Mr Postmaster laughed. ‘Yes’ I snapped.  He asked me if I was being serious.  I thought for a second, thinking I have actually promised my hairdresser that I would stop trimming my own fringe.  Emergency situations require emergency responses!  ‘Yes, can I have a mirror and scissors please?’  I then set up a mini hairdressers in the post office!  The woman behind the till in the stationary part of the shop, very kindly offered me a chair and a bin to catch the cuttings!  By this point I had lost all concern and worry of being embarrassed.  I caught a couple of people looking - I just lowered the mirror, smiled and said ‘Passport reject for having too long a fringe!’ 

A few old folk in the shop started chuntering and muttering about the government, europe and too many regulations these days.  Yeah brother, too right!!   

I then had a major deja vue moment as I ran back to the car park, Lewis Hamiltoned to the supermarket, bought some more polos and had more photographs taken.  As I came out of the photo booth, the shop assistant, who first showed me where it was, saw me and did a double double take! I looked at her, just laughed and shook my head – no, I have no time to explain!! 

Back at the post office – Hooray, my photo was accepted and they reckon it should be back in time for my holiday.  Fingers, legs and all twiddly bits crossed for the next couple of weeks. 

As soon as I got home, I sat down and started to go through my morning emails.  My boss had sent me an email at the end she asked if all was well and had I got my passport sorted?  I replied with, ‘Passport – after having my pic refused because my fringe is too long and then having TWO sets of photos done and trimming my fringe IN THE POST OFFICE (in between both sets of pics being taken) – it’s now been sent!  I now, however, have a very short and very wonky fringe!  Hey ho’ 

Boss’s response: ‘Well you have just made me laugh out loud about the fringe!! That's hilarious!!’ 

My response back:  ‘Hilarious – I can just hear you! : )  I look like some school kid who has a mother with a basin and a pair of blunt scissors!’ 

She then asked me to send a copy of the photograph! 

I obviously don’t have the same sense of humour of Anna!  : ) 

Anyone want a polo?

Did you know it’s talk like a brummie day today?  A day where everyone across the world should talk with the fantastic brummie accent – arr, uurright!

Please note, I’m a black country girl, so there is a big difference in the accent, but it’s close enough geographically, so here’s to ‘Talk Like a Brummie Day’

For further information, go to http://talklikeabrummieday.co.uk/

Our compost bin finally arrived just over a month ago and we are now religiously composting our food and garden waste (well, when I say ‘we’ – it’s the adult ‘we’ – teenager Daughter is a little on the forgetful side!) – I’m now even beginning to understand the requirements of a good mix of both green and brown waste!!  Trust me, it’s a whole new language!  However, I’m a little worried about the amount of tea bags that’s going in there – can there be too many tea bags in a compost bin??  We go through hundreds of the damn things – I’m sure we’ll end up with tea flavoured compost!

For all you old timers out there, as we trek across the garden, carrying our rubbish to the compost bin, we can be regularly heard shouting, ‘Compost corner’ and for all you youngsters, we occasionally chant, ‘We are recycling, we are recycling’ – the MacDonalds advert!?!

Our fortnightly recycling collection picks up the newspapers, glasses and tins but we have to take cardboard and plastics (‘bottles only’ said the recycling adviser, who firmly to me when I asked him to explain what PET etc etc was) to the local recycling centre – Hubby will only allow me - he’s put his foot down with a big hefty cotton woolly slipper! - to make the trip if we happen to be driving anywhere near the centre.  His argument is that a special drive out to the recycling place negates what we are actually recycling in materials.  This is true, but I’m a little suspicious of the fact that it’s more to do with the fact that he hates queuing for the pleasure of such boring activity!?

So,more or less, we are recycling all of our home waste now.

I know I’m going to sound a little bit like an anorak here, but it’s becoming a bit of a weekly challenge to see how little rubbish we can actually chuck out.  I’ve just emptied the bin – the bag has been in the bin since last Thursday.  I’m seriously chuffed, however I have noticed an increase in the number of flies in our house!!

Favourite Nephew came to stay with favourite Aunt this weekend.

As my husband has work down in Nephew’s neck of the woods, he decided to take him home this morning, on the agreement that it would be an early start.

5.45am I gave said Nephew his early morning wake up call!  A grunt came from beneath the duvet.  I went downstairs and made us all a drink and then went back upstairs to see if he was ok.  He was still underneath the duvet sleeping like a baby!!  Why does that not surprise me: - )  I gave him another call (and a quick slap around the head, just to make sure) - another grunt came back at me.

Fifteen minutes later, a specimen of a teenager appeared in the kitchen, grunted, sat down at the table, drank his hot chocolate, grunted again as he gave me a hug as he left with Hubby on their trip back ‘darn sarf’

I love my favourite Nephew.  I think next time he’ll probably opt to catch the late train back home!

We have a very large cherry tree in our back garden.  Every summer we see the cherries appear, turn slightly pink, the tree then begins to shake violently and then suddenly all the cherries have gone!  Vanished!  Zilch! 

The tree shakes due to the large numbers of birds merrily sitting in the branches, stuffing their beaks with OUR cherries.  Seriously, we’ve never had one single ripe cherry from that tree. 

This year, due to all the rain that we’ve been having there have been fewer birds in the garden.  Last week, the cherries were nearly red and we foolishly thought that we’d be eating ripe cherries very soon, for the first time ever. 

And then, the rain stopped.  The cherries are just a few days off from being ripe and ready to eat and the tree has started to shake again.  The bottom branches now have no cherries, and for yet another year, it looks like there’ll be no cherries for us! 

Do you think it would be worth putting out a sign for the birds, ‘Nuts and feeders are over the other side of the garden!’

We’ve had a wasps nest in the eaves of our house for quite a while now.  They haven’t bothered us so we were quite happy to leave it there.  

At the weekend I walked into the bedroom and could hear this strange noise – a little bit like rain drops gently falling on the window ledge.  Strangely, for the middle of this English summer time, the weather was glorious outside and not a drop of rain could be either seen or felt.  To my horror I realised it was the wasps nest behind the wall! 

Monday morning I rang the pest control team at our local council who informed me they’d love to come and get rid of it for us and would equally love to charge us £50 for the pleasure of doing so.  I begrudgingly agreed and was then informed, “Someone will call you in 24 hours to arrange a visit” 

No one called.   

This morning I went into the spare room and could seriously hear the wasps behind the wall.  I walked right up to the wall and then spotted that part of the wall – about the size of a 10 pence piece was coming away from the rest of the wall.  Adrenalin rush extraordinaire!  Oh my God, the wasps are coming through the wall I thought.  Then I calmed down and thought this couldn’t be so. 

I rang the pest control team and asked why no one had called and what had happened to the visit.  I then, slightly embarrassed by asking the question, asked if they could eat their way through a wall, “oh yes, came the reply” aaarrrrrggggghhh, “Would you make that call out an urgent one then please?” I screeched as I quickly ran upstairs and pushed back the plaster into the wall and carefully ripped off a whole tape of sellotape, trying to seal the broken plaster back into the wall.

Luckily, the lovely Neil turned up an hour or so later and gave me all the gory stories behind the life and times of being a ‘wasp man’ – twice this week he’s been on call outs where the wasps have eaten their way through the plaster board of both a wall and a ceiling.  Talking and writing about it is seriously giving me the heebygeebies! 

Anyway, Neil sprayed his potion into the eaves and then snatched a cheque from me and said, “All should be fine within the next few hours, you might see minor activity for the next couple of weeks, but if there’s anything more after 14 days, give me a call and I’ll be back” – thanks Arnie of the wasp world! 

I’ll do nothing about the wall and the sellotape until a fortnight then?  Any visitors can just assume we’re holding up the wall with sellotape.  I’m not going to mention the wasps! 

I later rang a colleague, who had slept in the room just over a week ago.  She’s now receiving counselling for mental trauma.  She too thought she was going mad as she thought she could hear rain but when she looked out of the window could only see sunshine.  In her head, she can now permanently hear the sound of wasps buzzing behind the wall at the side of the bed!! 

Biodiversity in my eaves – you can stick it thanks!!

A friend rang me the other night to tell me she had driven her car through the front door of her house, straight into her hall! 

Apparently, it was the fault of her husband who just happened to be 20 miles away at work at the time!! He had left the car parked ‘in gear’ the previous evening – tut tut, shame on him!!

At the time, her youngest child was already in the car, the middle child was putting his shoes on in the kitchen – luckily he wasn’t in the hall and her eldest child was upstairs getting ready for school.

Since the accident, the first thing she now hears the kids do as soon as they get into the car is a hurried ‘clunk clink’ of the seat belt.  And the eldest child – he’s now offered to walk to school.  Something she’s been trying to get him to do for several months now! : )

See, every cloud has a silver lining.

Remember my colleague who has problems with all the trains across the UK?  He sent me the following text whilst sitting on a train

‘I accidentally put my iPod in the washing machine yesterday and when I fished it out I thought I would have to send it to that great Mac shop (he’s a Mac freak, btw) in the sky.  Not so.  Currently listening to Mozart'

He makes my day: )

Yesterday I had to go to Manchester for a meeting.  I set off in plenty of time and tootled up the M40, M42 and M6.  At the end of the M6 part of the journey I hit traffic.  Very heavy traffic.  I sat and watched as my satnav system kept updating me on the fact that I was going to be late for my meeting.  And then the heavens opened and it didn’t stop.

By the time I got to my meeting destination it was torrential rain fall.  I pulled onto the car park and drove to the pay and display machine to get my ticket.  In the minute it took me to put my money into the machine I was drenched – seriously, my hair that was perfectly washed and groomed that morning, now looked as if I’d just got out of the shower!  And then all the money came out the bottom of the machine and therefore wouldn’t let me purchase a ticket.

As the rain was still hammering down, I jumped into the car and drove to the other end of the car park and tried the other pay and display machine – the same thing happened.

A huge clap of thunder burst above my head.  It made myself and another woman who was waiting at the machine jump so much.  It was really very scary.  She then informed me the other machine wasn’t working too.

I therefore gave up, scribbled a note and left it on my windscreen telling the lovely traffic wardens of Tameside that the machines weren’t working and I couldn’t purchase a ticket.  As I scribbled the note I thought to myself that no one in this weather would be mad enough to be looking to issue tickets to poor, unsuspecting car drivers.

I had my meeting and walked back to the car.  And there, right above my note to the traffic warden, was a ticket stuck to my windscreen!

Are you immune to torrential rain ‘upt north?

Happy Monday!

My Hubby’s cousin, her other half and their three young kids have just left!  The parents must have been seriously evil in a previous life. 

I am knackered!!  Completely and utterly knackered! 

Hubby, who is chief kid’s entertainer, was up at 7.30am playing with the kids and then took them down to the park with the dog – all before 9am on a Sunday morning!  Impressive!  He’s now totally  passed out on the sofa!   

The kids are gorgeous, so very very well behaved, but energy, where on earth do kids get their energy from?  A weekend has totally wiped me out – actually, it’s not even a full weekend, they arrived at 5pm’ish on Saturday evening.  How do parents manage 24/7?   

I’m off to bed!

I recently changed my car and with my old car going, so did my built in hands free ‘phone kit.  Not being able to use the phone whilst driving has become a bit of a problem and along with my current job, getting lost around new towns and cities was also driving me insane.  I therefore treated myself to a satnav system with built in bluetooth for hands free phone calls. 

The Bluetooth is not brilliant and no way compares to the quality of my old system.  My mother called me whilst I was driving!  The conversation went as follows:-

Mom:  Hello, Michelle, are you there?
Me: Hi Mom, yes, I’m here.
Mom:  You sound strange, what’s the matter?
Me:  Nothing, it’s this new hands free system, it’s not very good.
Mom:  Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: Yes mom, I’m fine, it’s the car kit, it’s no good.
Mom: Ok, you sound strange.  Have you got your hayfever then?
Me: Mom, I’m 39 years old, I’ve never had hayfever! 

Hmmmm!! 

We came, we saw, we conquered and I hobbled for a week in absolute agony!

But it was simply awesome and worth every single ache and every single pain.

When we finally got to the top of Ben Nevis – we went up the tourist route – by God, they should have just tarmac’d it, the route is so easy to follow, there was several foot of snow at the top and visibility was incredibly poor.  So we sat there and ate our sandwiches, had a cup of coffee and then suddenly the cloud lifted and the sun appeared and there before us was this AMAZING view of the surrounding mountains.  Everyone just stood speechless and this was quickly followed with many gasps and ‘awwww, look at that’.

Going back down was the killer.  We left the tourist route and took a more direct route.  A more direct route means it’s more of a vertical challenge which means it hurts more.  They should put a knee pain indicator on all the OS maps!  It would seriously mean we picked our routes with greater concentration. 

We were nearly at the foot of Ben Nevis, when we came across a team of walkers going up.  We said hello and asked if they were ‘going all the way?’ they informed us they’d just started the 3 peak challenge.  I told them, that once at the bottom, I will have just finished mine – they looked surprised until I added that instead of the usual 24 hour challenge, it had only taken me 6 years to complete!!  I’m chuffed anyway.  Being the trophy hunter that I am, I can now tick off my list, each of the highest peaks for England, Scotland and Wales.

Once in the Highlands, our plan was to walk Ben Nevis, we pitched our tent at the Glen Nevis campsite - http://www.glen-nevis.co.uk/.  If you ever plan to walk Ben Nevis and camp, stay here.  The site was super, the staff are great and it sits more or less at the very foot of Ben Nevis in the most spectacular setting.  We sat outside the tent, just looking up and around us at this most magnificent view – BBC Spring Watch eat your heart out.  It was totally breathtaking.

The only downside was the midgies – millions of the pesky things.  When we arrived, we saw loads of people wearing ‘things’ over their heads – it looked like there had been a nuclear or severe chemical accident on the campsite and a team of specialist chemical ‘cleaneruppers’ were there – this is what they were wearing - http://mountainwarehouse.com/shop/popup_image.php?pID=1217 .  We chuckled!  An hour later, we too were part of the clean up operation!

Fortunately, not long after we arrived the rain started and the number of midgies reduced considerably.  Great.  Or may be not – it just didn’t stop raining. Rain, rain, rain, rain and more rain fell.  Even with all the proper walking gear, when the weather is so abysmal and the visibility is virtually zilch, it does take away the enjoyment slightly!!!  We therefore decided that we’d be cowards, sit it out and wait for a good, dry and clear day to attempt our walk.  We continued to sit, waiting for the rain to stop!  For just over 2 days we were still waiting!  It ‘ain’t no fun’ in a tent when it constantly rains for that long.  We honestly couldn’t believe that so much rain could fall – and continue to fall.

One the second day, we debated whether or not, we should just give up, go down to the pub and get totally wasted.  We decided that if we did that, we could guarantee that the rain would cease, we’d end up with a hangover and wouldn’t be able to face that big beast Ben Nevis.  So we agreed we’d stay one more night and if it was still raining the following morning, we’d throw the tent in the back of the car and come home.  Failing in our attempt to walk Ben Nevis!

On Wednesday evening, we set off to Morrisons in Fort William, to buy our 3^rd pack of ready made sandwiches, praying, this pack, we’d be able to eat whilst walking up Ben Nevis the following day.  And not whilst driving home because it was still raining and we’d given up on our venture.  We picked up other provisions, and as is usual practice, we ended up in the DVD aisle.  We came across, at the bargain price of £3.99, the DVD of Grease.  Great, we’d found tonight’s entertainment.  The added bonus was that it came with a song book.

We spent the evening watching Grease on the laptop, singing along with the aid of the song book, listening to the rain bouncing off the tent!  What more could you ask for on your holiday?? 

We went to bed – still raining.

We woke up in the morning – no rain!!!!  Yes, Thursday was our day for tackling Big Ben!

Last week, Hubby and I went on holiday to Scotland.  Daughter refused to come with us because part of the holiday included walking up Ben Nevis and a spot of camping in the Highlands.  We therefore left 17 year old Daughter, home alone for the first time ever for a full week by herself.  Scary, very scary.  Our neighbour had a key and was under strict instruction to come in every day and check that both house and Daughter was ok. 

The morning we set off, Daughter had gone into town on yet another marathon shopping expedition, so we left her the following note:-

“Dear Daughter

Hope you have a great week without us.  We’re sure you’re going to miss up loads!

Remember the following:-

• the dog won’t work unless you walk, water and feed him daily
• you can’t live on beans on toast for an entire week
• empty milk bottles need to be put on the door step NOT the bin
• dirty dishes go in the dishwasher not the sink
• we have a washing machine
• no one in the house apart from Ali and Louise
• the birds can’t get in the garage to refill their feeders
• all windows and doors have locks – use them
• we recycle in this house – and it’s not called the bin
• the fairies don’t appear each night to tidy the house
• we have web cam technology!!

In an emergency………………………….. and so on”

We later received a text from her, saying ‘thanks for the note!’ I wasn’t sure whether this was the written form or the cash that we had left for her!

Whilst we were away we rang her every day and most days she rang us too.  Another scary point, Daughter doesn’t ring us unless she’s looking for a lift, cash or some other favour.  Each phone call went through this daily routine:-

Daughter:  Hi Mom, how are you?

Me: Hi Babes, good thanks, you?  How you getting on?

Daughter: Fine, when are you coming home?

I’ve still yet to work out why every day she asked when we were coming home.  Was she missing us or was a party in the planning?  Hmmm!

Anyway, we came home to a spotless house and found out that she’d only actually spent one night here as she’d stayed every night at her friend’s house.  The night that she did sleep here, she slept downstairs in the lounge with the dog!  Awww, bless.

I’m not convinced she enjoyed her ‘holiday’ as much as she thought she was going to!

Hubby took a shower tonight and came downstairs holding the clippers for a hair cut.

His hair was wet and it kept getting stuck in the blades.  Every so often Hubby took the clippers from me, took the cover off which dictates the length of the cut and brushed off the excess hair from the blades.  He’d then hand back the gizmo and I’d proceed with the shave.

Yes, you’ve guessed it.  He forgot to put the cover on, I forgot to check and then ‘Oooooooops’ one pretty large bald patch on the back of his head!!!

This was followed by several frantic phone calls to Daughter, neighbours and friends to locate a local PROFESSIONAL mobile hair dresser.

Luckily, we found fabulous Mandy.  Five minutes later she arrived and sorted out the mess I’d created.  He’s now agreed to use Mandy for every cut from now on!

Tonight, we took our Heinz 57 mutt for his annual check up.  This usually means the following:-

• the dog goes mental in the car whilst travelling to the vets
• the dog will pee in reception,
• we will all blush and offer to wipe up the accident,
• the dog will sit and howl until he gets to see the vet,
• the vet will give him his booster jab
• the vet will tell us the dog has a strong heart
• the vet will tell us he wouldn’t like to see anymore weight on said dog
• we leave and I tell daughter she needs to walk him more

I was also pretty sure the vet was going to tell us our dear Bailey is barking mad!  He’s recently getting stranger and stranger with his behaviour.

He’s started sleeping in the spare room and he’s not even allowed upstairs.  On Saturday morning, Hubby found him doing an SAS crawl across the landing to the stairs, he reckons he was also trying to be invisible dog and thought that Hubby wouldn’t notice him.  He got a major telling off and hopefully he won’t be doing that again.

The following morning – very early - he was lying on the bench, underneath our bedroom window, crying.  It was as if he was saying, ‘come on, get up, it’s the weekend, your supposed to be fussing me’

He’s also recently started to just sit very close to the lounge wall and just stare at it!

So we went along to see the vet and he was very good and didn’t pee in the waiting room.  He did however sit